Merging with the light

Sometimes one can soar high in the sky like a bird and come to-
and sit down on the sand with your head held high and sing

"just for joy, just for joy, just for happiness...
happiness, the anticipation of something that's in your soul.
your soul with warmth and peace and understanding of the universe...

It's the feeling of a bird of passage that I got when I arrived in Israel.
I get this feeling of a bird in flight when I arrive in Israel for the first time, not like everyone else, at Ben Gurion airport.

I arrived in Israel for the first time, not in Ben Gurion airport but in the middle of a desert not far from the border between Israel and Egypt.
The first time I flew for the first time to Israel, I flew not to Ben Gurion airport but to the middle of a desert near the Israel-Egypt border.
seldom used military airfield. Our iron
The iron bird landed, and as we descended the ramp down to the ground,

It was impossible to resist the urge to reunite with
I was in a hurry to reunite with this holy and ancient land, hard-won and
...hard-won. With such yellow crumbling sand, drowning
In the forty-degree heat.

I sat down and dipped my hands into the sand, as if into the holy water of the Jordan.
The holy water of the Jordan. It trickled down my hands, sang and shone in the sun.
and glistened in the sun the colours of purity and peace...

Here it is, the holy land. It is in my hands, and more importantly,
in my revived and breathing heart...

I did not want to go to a place where civilisation had installed
air-conditioned and the yellow hills of the desert

glass. I forgot everything I'd been taught: the clothes, the clothes I wore, the clothes I wore on my car.
The clothes, the food, the company of cold and

empty faces...

I wanted to be reborn here as a bird of happiness, a free bird.
a bird of freedom, one of the many yellow birr-
of yellow sands...

But the bus arrived and loaded us up like a proper inventory.
The bus arrived and loaded us up like a necessary piece of equipment and took us to a hotel. To the one with the enormous

glass, several metres high, offering us
to see the world through it, or rather, all that remains
of this world, of this beautiful land of rebirth.
souls.
I went into the room, lay down on the bed, sinking into a soft
silky feeling of comfort. But my thoughts were
out there in the desert, amidst the sandstorms and the midday heat.
They froze and surrendered themselves to the wind and the calm...

In the morning, waking up early and as if frightened by the time
of the time I'd wasted on sleep, I quickly made my way downstairs

to the lobby and the glass doors let me out of the cage
of life...
I was free again, my heart echoed.
In my reverie I walked to the sea, to the Red Sea, for
In Israel there are so many different worlds of water
of the elements... And with my feet again sinking into the sand, I went up to the
the pier. There stood my friend, who had come with me.
with me, and was cautiously looking at the blue, clear and
warm blue water.
- Why don't you swim? - I asked.
- But there are so many fish in the water, they could bite me.
I shrugged and jumped off the pier into the sea.
The clear, warm, velvety water enveloped my body
my city-weary body and removed the remnants of sleep...

I waved my hand and my friend slowly, as if not trusting me.
I waved my hand and my friend stepped slowly into the water as if she didn't trust me. It was not more than a minute before she was back out of the water

Within a minute, she was back on the pier screaming and her leg was bleeding.
her leg was bleeding. I climbed out as well and stared in amazement

to her and to the calm surface of the sea stretching to the sky.
I stared back and forth between her and the calm surface of the sea stretching towards the sky.

- Fish," said my friend sadly, "I won't swim anymore.
"I won't swim anymore.
And I stared at her leg in surprise and remorse,
as if I had incarnated myself into a fish and bitten it. I am not a fish,

I am a bird, I remembered the state of yesterday's reincarnation of my soul.
The reincarnation of my soul. A fish will never rejoice in the desert.

It will never sing a song with its head held high. Above .
above all of us, above all of our drowning in unbelief

for hours, days, years, lives, imbuing us with its-
its dark thoughts and fears, destroying our
Our faith and our trust. Replacing it with boundless faith in ourselves,

an earthly, eternal self, capable only of transcending
the space of a single earthly life. Without rising up
and not falling, not aiming for truths, but turning over
the days of seemingly endless minutes.

   



The first photograph


What a feeling I had when I first saw
a little heart beating twice as fast as mine
twice as fast as my own... Excitement and happiness and...

lots and lots and lots of happiness. Such a real, feminine, human...
...human happiness. When I walked out of the doctor's office,

my face lit up. My son ran up to me and snatched

The picture I was holding in my hands. Oh, what a big-
big baby. No, I answered, he's just a baby.

Why such a big eye then! I smiled. No,
son, it's not an eye, it's the whole baby. But my son didn't

He didn't believe me, he stuck to his opinion. An eye is an eye, I thought.
I thought. Why argue with my son?

We got in the car, and all the way from Nakhimov
from Nakhimov Avenue, we stared at the photo.

It was me, then my son, then my husband. Here it is, a moment of happiness worth living for.
worth living for.



 
Father and the sledge


Father, how hard and difficult it is to live without his
♪ when he's not there, when he's not there with his heavy manly hand ♪

when he's not there, but you know he's there, but not with your
but somewhere apart in his own world with his sorrows

and his joys. But not yours!!! He won't come to you when you're...
when you're having a hard time saying, "It's gonna be okay, or I'm happy for you.

for you. When you are doing well and all the people around you are happy for you, it's easy to know.
That's what your family and friends are happy about. They

They come up to you and say, "We saw on Fb that you've got your story in the Almanac.

your story in the "Ice and Fire" anthology. Sincerely happy for-
"we're really happy for you! How nice that there are people who can
to break away from reality in such difficult times

And create!

And I rejoice along with them, we drink tea from plastic cups in a cafe, the music of the school they are playing.
cups in the cafe of the Gnesin School of Music

and my heart is warmed by such words of encouragement
I feel so warm inside my heart for such words of encouragement and joy from such almost strangers with whom my son
Such words of encouragement and joy from near strangers my son - who studies with their children - reunites me.
My son, who is studying with their children in a music school, has shared my heart.

But it is still hard at heart when I think of
I think of my father. He could have called and said a few words of support for me too.
A few words of encouragement but he doesn't because he doesn't know
cause he doesn't know, 'cause he doesn't want to know what I'm living

And what makes me cry or what makes me happy. And then I call him myself:
"Daddy, hello!"
"Hello, is that you?" - I hear a voice so familiar...
...but so distant.

"Daddy, I got my story out! "Daddy, my story's out!
Congratulations?"

"Congratulations. Okay, bye."
Now he knows, now he's even congratulated me.
But why don't I feel the same sense of flight
that you get from the words of people you don't know at the music school?
from the music school? And here's my father... Yes, of course, we haven't seen each other
for a long time, and when we really did, I wasn't

five years old... Back then, yes, I remember how happy I was...
happy when he was running in the woods, sinking to his knees in the snow.

snow up to his knees, but he was taking me on his sled.
"Faster! Faster! - I asked. - Daddy, more!"
How could I have known then that these were the last moments
of happiness I had with my father, and very soon...
my parents' divorce, the exchange of the flat and life would be...
a different one, I don't know what it will be, but without him, without him,
so near and dear forever.
He will stay, but he will become almost ephemeral to me.

I will occasionally hear him on the phone with my mother.
on the phone with my mum. Even pass me a toy. One, but...

I'm saving it. It's a little toy, a big one with funny eyes.
eyes. And I am happy, but somehow I am sad. I don't understand
why things have changed so much. Then I begin to understand
and forget about him. I don't remember him for a long time before the institute.

Suddenly my father finds me, even hands me a sandwich
a sausage roll, while I stand staring puzzled at

at the walls of the institute. I realise it's my father, he's

I realise it's my dad, he's coming to see me, I'm glad he did, then I forget all about him again.
I forget him again for a few years while half of my life is passing.

Of my life, beautiful and very complicated. And I call
I call him, I ask for help.
"You're the father, help me."
But there is no help and neither is he. I forget about him again.
And again the years fly by, life becomes beautiful, and I
I call my father again!

"I'm doing fine! "Maybe you need some...
help?"

And I realise I do, his life isn't so

easy, on the contrary. He's alone, living on his pension, his health isn't great either.
his health isn't so good either.

He needs me, he finally needs me!
And we find each other again. Now I run to him
I can't let go of his hand, I can't let go

# In case he disappears again... # And then our time together begins.
We see each other often, very often, we celebrate holidays together.
We see each other a lot, we celebrate holidays together, we talk about everything on the phone, and he is interested in my life, my life.
He is interested in my life and in the life of my little boy.

And did I ever think at the time that it wouldn't last,
that we weren't together forever again... And why was it all of a sudden

again? I started reproaching him for not caring enough for him.
that I wasn't thinking about him, that I didn't care about him. That my mind was...
is all about me and the baby. But that's not true.

I love him very much and I want to be there for him, to feel him,
understand all his thoughts.
But I believe, I still believe that one day we'll find each other

find each other and be together forever. And we'll kiss...
every day, every short meeting, every phone call...
on the phone. It's bound to happen. Daddy, I want you to...
call me, talk to me, talk to me so that my

warm my heart as it was then, in the snow-covered
in the snowy woods, when we were never apart, when I was five.
I'm looking forward to it.

Village Library

Read the book. Quickly, in one day. Going to the library with Grandma.
Grandma to the library. Wooden house. A porch. Open-
We open the blue door and... The smell of books.

Children's shelves on the left, adults' shelves on the right. I go, hand in

book. The librarian can't believe I've already read it. Smiles
She smiles, says, "Tell me what the book is about. I tell her.

Surprised, she says, "Then get another one. I go to the right to the

to the adult section. I get Jenny Gerhardt, my favorite author.
my favorite author. The librarian is surprised again. Is it going to be hard

read? I shake my head. I sign my name on a sheet of paper for the book.
For the book. I walk away happy. I hurry to pour a cup of milk.

and take a biscuit and sit by the window and read, read, read...

Going to the post office to pick up Mum
It's Sunday, we go to the post office to call Mum.

We walk along the dusty road. We arrive. A small tree house.
A small tree house, we open the door. Chairs, a long

A counter, like in a shop. We order a call to Moscow.

We sit and wait for the phone to ring. We wait for a long time, for about...
A few minutes. Phone rings. Hello, Moscow. Mum, mum-
come quickly, we miss you so much. Thank you for the

the package. We got the sausage. We're eating. We don't need anything.
Waiting for you, come quickly. We've lost contact. Three
minutes are up. Another call. The woman says
how much to pay for my mum. It's expensive. But we heard...

heard Mama's voice. Let's go home. I can't wait till July 8, Mum's coming.
Mama's coming.

To Jama
The thunderstorm has now passed, we can go for mushrooms. They decided
to go into the woods, to get Jama. Let's go. Everything is overgrown, the grass is waist-deep.

It is good, a tractor passed by, a path is seen. And forty years ago
forty years ago there was a house here. A vegetable garden, an orchard. Jama's family lived here. It's hot.

I want shade, but we walk across the field. We reach the birch trees. Go
I say as my grandmother taught me. The woods are woods, the master is a hodgepodge.
...the owner is a hiker. Help me to gather, I see no one, no beast of the forest.
No beast in the woods, no evil man. I stop. Look: a mushroom.

A bushwort? No - a white one! The first boletus this
this summer. A beauty! We can go back to roasting potatoes.

Cloud
Tonight the wind came in from behind the woods and there was a

a huge blue cloud head appeared. It looked at us with its big
with big shining eyes and snarled. It was terrifying.

We switched off the light. The cloud was getting closer. What to do? I went out
out into the street and the cloud had crossed the woods to Hatha. Like a dog that had been hit...

dog, it wasn't scary any more, its eyes were hardly
And it had lost its colour on the way. She had turned a dull grayish pink.

She had stopped growling and was going softly. Turned on
the lights on. It's getting cosy. No longer frightened by the big
Dog clouds no longer scare us. Gone...